OBREAU Resources
Don Dunoon says…
“My aspiration is to see the OBREAU conversation model used by millions of people worldwide each year to support uncomfortable interactions and dialogue. To that end, I’m making available free-of-charge the resources on this page under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International licensing. I hope you find these resources useful, and I’d love to hear about your experience in using them. Please get in touch using the contact information at the bottom of this page.
All the best in making OBREAU work for you!”
Resources available here include:
Preparing for an Uncomfortable Conversation With OBREAU
This guide is to help you prepare for an uncomfortable conversation using the OBREAU conversation model (Observation, Reasonableness, Authenticity). You can use this approach with virtually any topic where there are differences of opinion, whether at work or outside.
To help with clarity, we’ll use a scenario. Sam is an experienced technical officer in a large organisation. She says, “One of my colleagues, in the same role as me, is annoying me by asking me too many work questions. He’s too lazy to find out the answers himself. His constant questions distract me. I need to be able to concentrate as I’ve taken on some new tasks, and I’m finding the frequency of his questions stressful and irritating. I want to speak with him about this, but I’m worried I’ll offend him”.
THE OBREAU CONCEPTS
Working from Observation
Working from observation implies focusing on a few relevant data points, things that can be seen and heard directly.
Usually, though, instead of observing we react and go directly to interpretation, making sense of what we’ve taken in.
For instance, in our example, Sam says “he asks me too many questions”. This is Sam’s interpretation. We have no data on what she regards as “too many” questions.
However, if instead she referred to “an average of one question an hour today”, that could be observable.
Some people think of working from observation as “focusing on the facts, being objective”. That’s partly true. We’re aiming to be more objective – yet we can’t notice everything. There’s inevitably subjectivity in the choice of facts we pay attention to.
A challenge also is to ask what might be beyond our field of view; what other factors might there be? Asking what could be picked up on a drone’s camera is a good way to broaden our observations.
Attributing Reasonableness
Attributing Reasonableness involves regarding the other parties as reasonable in this instance – at least in their terms. You might disagree with them, but they have a way of making sense of the issue that seems sensible, reasonable to them.
Ordinarily, however, we come from a place of judgment, seeing the others as responsible for the issues that concern us. With our Sam example, this is evident in her regarding her colleague as “lazy”.
With attributing reasonableness, your task is to pivot, switch perspectives, and imagine what this sense of reasonableness “looks like” to them. Crucially, this is not about evaluating them as reasonable or not.
The point is to “stretch” your understanding of the issue and come up with possible interpretations that you can explore and test with the other party, without stoking defensiveness. When seeing it through their eyes, you just might feel more empathic towards them.
When Sam seeks to see the issue from her colleague’s standpoint, she arrives at:
- “He might find he can get a quick response from me rather than scrolling through the procedure manual looking for the right answer.”
- “My colleague could prefer to ask me as I can give him an answer tailored to our team’s situation.”
Speaking with Authenticity
Authenticity in OBREAU implies making a conscious decision to not just avoid or “dance around” the conversation (such as by being sarcastic or overly positive) but to actively lean in and speak up. This is not just a matter of arguing your case. Authenticity implies reaching deeper to identify and share something personal, heartfelt. “But how do I know what is authentic for me?” you might ask.
A key here is to reflect on your observations and reasonableness points identified so far. Now, think about what comes up for you when you contemplate these points. What is it you think and feel when you ground yourself with data and consider others as reasonable now?
You can potentially say just about anything that is true for you and in keeping with the observable data and with regarding others as reasonable (i.e., you are not judging them).
With Sam’s situation:
- She might ground herself in observation (the pattern of his asking frequent questions) and reasonableness (e.g., his possible desire for quick, tailored answers).
- She then thinks about what comes up for her that’s genuine and includes something personal, e.g., that she’s feeling stressed with the number of questions when she needs to concentrate.
- She might ask for him to ease up on the frequency of questions while also perhaps, if it is true for her, reassuring him that she wants to be helpful and keep a good relationship with him.
APPLYING OBREAU WITH YOUR OWN CHALLENGE
Make notes to prepare for a conversation, using the prompts below.
Working from Observation
- Think about how you might have been reacting with this situation. Aim to be aware of your reactions and put them to one side.
- Identify and record 4-5 relevant and potentially significant or interesting observations you could share with the other party.
- Try thinking of each of your observations as completing the statement, “I notice…”
- Make sure your observations contain at least some data, enabling others to scrutinise what you say.
- Consider also what you might be missing. Imagine what an “invisible third party” could see or hear.
- Ask yourself, could you share these observations safely? If not, you’ve likely fallen into interpretation. Rewrite to make them more directly observable.
Attributing Reasonableness
- Reflect on how you might have judged others in connection with this issue. Aim to set those judgments aside.
- Now shift your attention to imagine the story, narrative they might be telling themselves that’s consistent with them as reasonable.
- Write down a few points to capture the essence of this story. You can’t know for sure – but you can probably come up with possibilities to explore and test with them.
- If you find it hard to imagine their story, think about – and write down – some assumptions they may be making.
- Identify probing questions you could ask to explore your interpretations (“I wonder…?”) and test them (“I imagine for you…?”).
- Look back over the points and questions you have recorded to make sure you are not judging them. Rewrite as necessary.
Speaking with Authenticity
- Catch yourself if you’ve been avoiding the conversation or dancing around, and resolve to step in.
- Pause to refocus on the 1 or 2 points you’ve identified each for observation and reasonableness that seem most significant to you.
- Ask yourself, how do you respond personally, at a feeling/heart level, to these points.
- Aim to write down 4-5 points that are true for you and that you could share. Try completing the phrase, “For me…”
- What can you acknowledge that might matter to them? What deep-reaching questions could you ask?
- Is there a request you might make of them? Something you could offer by way of support?
BOOSTING YOUR PROSPECTS FOR SUCCESS
Invite the other party to talk
In an invitation, frame the topic in neutral terms. Use expressions that you could share without inflaming things. The idea is to be true to the topic without getting into specifics ahead of the actual conversation.
For instance, Sam could say to her colleague that she wanted to speak with him about an aspect of their working together.
Stay with the process
Think about how you would you like your relationship with the other party to be afterwards. Trust that staying close and true to the process will help you get there. Most importantly, watch out for any instances when you lapse back into reacting, judging, or dancing around.
Refocus – returning to a safe and productive conversation
When difficulties or unexpected responses occur during the conversation: pause, and when you’re ready, seek to re-apply OBREAU in that moment. What’s observable right now? What might this latest development look like to the other, right now, consistent with them being reasonable? What’s true for you now that you can share?
OBREAU is like a tripod. Its strength comes from all three “legs” (practices) being in place together. Ensure you are giving balanced attention to each of observation, reasonableness, and authenticity.
The Two-Part OBREAU Video
In the video, total run time 7 minutes, Part 1 outlines essential OBREAU concepts and sets the scene for a case example featuring “President Maria Lon of the South Republic”.
Part 2 shows how President Lon might apply OBREAU in raising a challenging issue with the leader of the neighbouring North Republic.
If you find the video useful, please like and comment on each of the two parts on YouTube!
THE OBREAU POSTER
The poster supports the videos in outlining key elements of the OBREAU model and vital behaviours. It’s available either in A4 or Letter sizes. You can use the poster as you wish, within the provisions of the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International licence: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/
Perhaps you’re a teacher in a university or (senior) high school, and you wish to increase your students’ awareness and abilities in conversing on uncomfortable topics. These might be of a more personal nature (say, giving feedback to a classmate) or “bigger”, potentially controversial issues (say, access to affordable housing in the local environment).
Alternatively, you might be a team leader in an organisation wanting to build the quality of interaction among your team members, and maybe between them and customers or other stakeholders.
In these situations – or in any number of others – you might consider sharing the videos and poster and then hosting a group conversation on the ideas presented and their potential applications in your context. Some questions to prompt discussion are suggested in the accompanying panel.
Sharing the resources and hosting a conversation will likely at least spark reflection among your learners on how (or whether) they show up in uncomfortable conversations and what they might do to improve their effectiveness.
If you introduce the resources in a group setting, be sure to bring the discussion back to the conversations you and group members need to have. This will help make the resources “real” in participants’ own settings.
Obviously, a session to introduce OBREAU will be only a first step in building participants’ capabilities in conversating on difficult topics – but it might be an important starting point.
If you find the video and poster useful, it would be terrific to hear about your experience. We won’t publish your responses without your permission. Please let us know how you go here.
From the videos, some discussion topics might include:
FURTHER TRAINING
We can provide training and development tailored to your organisation or group’s needs. Our course, Change Conversations: Growing Psychological Safety and Performance includes a highly developed range of punchy and engaging modules as well as workshop options.
The online resources as well as workshops can be customised to ensure a high-impact experience and lasting value for your learners. For more information contact us.
Contact us to find out more about Change Conversations: Growing Psychological Safety and Performance and how it can benefit your managers and professionals – and the organisation.
